Helping a friend that's being abused

One in four women and one in six men will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.

The statistics are extremely high and the chances are that someone you know will be affected and may be suffering behind closed doors. Here is useful information to help support a friend or family member who maybe affected.

Recognising the signs

There is no simple way to 'spot' whether a person is experiencing domestic abuse, but there might be signs to suggest a person is being abused, these include:

• Absence from work or school or social events
• Fear of their partner, references to their partner's anger
• Personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn)
• Repeated unexplained injuries

Supporting your friend or family member

If a friend or family is open to discuss and recognise the abuse, this is a positive sign.

Be supportive and keep the lines of communication open, otherwise they may become more isolated. You may not understand fully why the person will not leave, but you need to respect their decision and support them. They probably still love the person and believe they will change. The decision to leave must come from the victim, and it may take several attempts to finally leave.

State of mind

The abused may be feeling ashamed of what’s happening and feel that they are to blame for the abuse. An abusive person will often tell the person that it is their fault that they are being hurt. Domestic abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser and it is never acceptable for someone to be abused.

Their self-esteem will probably be very low as a result of what has been happening and they might feel that they cannot cope on their own. However, the truth is that they could probably cope better than they think. When the abuse stops, the person will gradually build up their self-confidence and would start to feel better about his or herself. This will take time.

Safety

Always prioritise safety - yours and theirs. The abuser may not welcome your involvement, so be careful about when, where, and how you become involved. Be careful not to intervene personally and ring the police if there is immediate danger.

Practical support

There is a great deal of support available to victims of domestic abuse – both national and locally. You can help by directing the person to these organisations. The organisations will be provide knowledge and counselling and answer their questions about financial, accommodation and emotional support. You could also help them develop a safety plan, so that they have all the options for if they decide to leave.

Practical tips

Agree a code word or action. If they say this to you, you will know that they are in danger and cannot access the help themselves.

Find out as much information as possible about their rights and the services – for example, contact specialist support agencies such as Refuge and Women’s Aid who can provide practical and emotional support. Give them all the information and allow them time to read it through and digest.

Don’t forget to seek some support yourself.

Supporting someone in a domestic abuse relationship will be difficult and you will need to be strong. Read about and understand domestic abuse, try to empathise with what emotions your friend or family member is going through. Most domestic abuse services are happy to help with any worries you may have or provide suggestions for other actions you might need to take.

Don't give up on them. You might be their only lifeline.

Remember that you cannot “rescue” them from the situation. It is very difficult to see someone you care about being hurt (physically or emotionally), but they have to make the decision and change the situation.

For more useful information look under Getting help.